Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
