I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
