Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
