cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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