Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
