Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
