Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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