Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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