Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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