Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
