worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
