I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
