just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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