Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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