Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
