he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
