I'd wear matching sweaters with you
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
