your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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