he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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