Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
