Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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