watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
āOn a breakā is implied when itās a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
