I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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