if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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