Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
