I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
