i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
