His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
