no, he came in my armpit
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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