The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
