how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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