I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
