went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
