Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
