Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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