What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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