Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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