i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
