btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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