Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
