a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
