somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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