Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
