Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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