So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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