There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
