If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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