is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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