I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
