i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
