everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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