my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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