Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
